seven more days and i will be clean for two years. amazing. i feel like a new person. William S. Burroughs said that "Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape." Poor guy. he went through a hell of a change. he shot his wife in the head while reenacting William Tell. He was a desperate man that was haunted by Joan's death for the rest of his days.
I seriously feel like i am at a crossroads. i am SO close to finishing my now-albatross novel. I am fitting in quickly at work. i am happy and content with my life on a professional, spiritual, and creative level. but, i am alone. i feel alone when i come home at night to a house that a sick woman lives in. Her needs go before mine, and i fight about it like a spoiled bitch. i am nasty and cut-throat with her. i say things to her that no son has a right to say. but i am resentful that my life is on pause, chained to a distant, cold bitch that has little concern for anything but herself. I am not married with kids and living in a place of my choosing. i am stuck here, on the precipice of 40 with nothing but a mom that sucks the life of of me daily.
so how much have i really changed? how much of the old me is still in here? maybe it's just hiding. maybe all this smiling is just a diversion. how do i know? most people seem to like me, but they don't know what goes on in my head. guilt and shame, although no longer a driving force in my life thanks to the steps, still haunt me. God is much more present in my life now, but i still have those existential fears and the desire to either sleep or hide my life away.
it takes a lot of energy for me to live through a day. i have to push all these random thoughts aside and concentrate. have you ever tried to talk to someone in a wind tunnel? that's me and the outside world. then, i have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. that causes anxiety and panic attacks. i hate driving long distances. i don't like crowds. i don't like situations i can't get out of. i don't like people pointing me out, even if it's good stuff. attention in the form of conversation is one thing, but i hate being singled out for anything.
then, i have physical pain. its always there. i really don't bitch about it much, and i have friends and family with much more, but i was really hurt in that car accident. i'll never walk right again. I cant bend down without pain, i can't lift much with my right arm. so, i have that to navigate through.
ahh, fuck it. i can whine sometimes. i guess it's just the jitters. new job, new life. more to come. all is good for a change and my dumb addict mind wants to ruin it. and to think in my teens i romanticized addiction. that's funny.
is there anybody out there for me? maybe i blew it when i left Gina. It was my choice, and it was probably the right thing to do, but it wasn't the most comfortable thing to do. i have been cast out, all alone in this universe. i have no one else to distract me from me. and "Me" is a handful. i am a cargo cult of Sean. I am too Sean for Sean. i have whittled down my ego and i am still left with a forest. why did i end up this way? do any of you see how utterly self-centered this whole rant is? who the fuck am I? does planet earth revolve around me? does elmer fudd hunt me? does don king promote me? does ellen DeGeneres have straight fantasies about me? does tom cruise.. never mind that one, does king kong got nothin on me? do i play goalie for the Devils? do i pitch for the Yankees? did i inherit the wind? no. i have done nothing of the sort. i am me and you are you, and since i cannot see the world fully through your eyes, i will only have mine as the default setting of perception.
I want to be better. in fact, i want to be better than you. i want to be smarter, more pure, faster, stronger, deadlier, ect. i want to win every deathmatch, cure every cancer, kill every beiber. i hate my fat, my bumps, my eyes, my everything. then i love my everything when you act stupid. Damn, this is hard. i would love to part the clouds and call down heaven's lightning on the unjust. but i fear it would hit me too.
but i do hope for the best and i want the best for my fellow humans. i think we are a good bunch mostly. i think that most tragedy comes from madness and ignorance. i know most of my bad stuff has. well, see you on the other side of 2. i love you all. thanks for hearing me rant and may all your brightest wishes come true.
-sean
I seriously feel like i am at a crossroads. i am SO close to finishing my now-albatross novel. I am fitting in quickly at work. i am happy and content with my life on a professional, spiritual, and creative level. but, i am alone. i feel alone when i come home at night to a house that a sick woman lives in. Her needs go before mine, and i fight about it like a spoiled bitch. i am nasty and cut-throat with her. i say things to her that no son has a right to say. but i am resentful that my life is on pause, chained to a distant, cold bitch that has little concern for anything but herself. I am not married with kids and living in a place of my choosing. i am stuck here, on the precipice of 40 with nothing but a mom that sucks the life of of me daily.
so how much have i really changed? how much of the old me is still in here? maybe it's just hiding. maybe all this smiling is just a diversion. how do i know? most people seem to like me, but they don't know what goes on in my head. guilt and shame, although no longer a driving force in my life thanks to the steps, still haunt me. God is much more present in my life now, but i still have those existential fears and the desire to either sleep or hide my life away.
it takes a lot of energy for me to live through a day. i have to push all these random thoughts aside and concentrate. have you ever tried to talk to someone in a wind tunnel? that's me and the outside world. then, i have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. that causes anxiety and panic attacks. i hate driving long distances. i don't like crowds. i don't like situations i can't get out of. i don't like people pointing me out, even if it's good stuff. attention in the form of conversation is one thing, but i hate being singled out for anything.
then, i have physical pain. its always there. i really don't bitch about it much, and i have friends and family with much more, but i was really hurt in that car accident. i'll never walk right again. I cant bend down without pain, i can't lift much with my right arm. so, i have that to navigate through.
ahh, fuck it. i can whine sometimes. i guess it's just the jitters. new job, new life. more to come. all is good for a change and my dumb addict mind wants to ruin it. and to think in my teens i romanticized addiction. that's funny.
is there anybody out there for me? maybe i blew it when i left Gina. It was my choice, and it was probably the right thing to do, but it wasn't the most comfortable thing to do. i have been cast out, all alone in this universe. i have no one else to distract me from me. and "Me" is a handful. i am a cargo cult of Sean. I am too Sean for Sean. i have whittled down my ego and i am still left with a forest. why did i end up this way? do any of you see how utterly self-centered this whole rant is? who the fuck am I? does planet earth revolve around me? does elmer fudd hunt me? does don king promote me? does ellen DeGeneres have straight fantasies about me? does tom cruise.. never mind that one, does king kong got nothin on me? do i play goalie for the Devils? do i pitch for the Yankees? did i inherit the wind? no. i have done nothing of the sort. i am me and you are you, and since i cannot see the world fully through your eyes, i will only have mine as the default setting of perception.
I want to be better. in fact, i want to be better than you. i want to be smarter, more pure, faster, stronger, deadlier, ect. i want to win every deathmatch, cure every cancer, kill every beiber. i hate my fat, my bumps, my eyes, my everything. then i love my everything when you act stupid. Damn, this is hard. i would love to part the clouds and call down heaven's lightning on the unjust. but i fear it would hit me too.
but i do hope for the best and i want the best for my fellow humans. i think we are a good bunch mostly. i think that most tragedy comes from madness and ignorance. i know most of my bad stuff has. well, see you on the other side of 2. i love you all. thanks for hearing me rant and may all your brightest wishes come true.
-sean
catching up on some blog reading. Deep stuff here. Remind me to talk to you about something you wrote.
ReplyDeletexoxo
LOVE you!!!!