my cool day

I did a very strange thing today. I returned to the faith I left for dead twenty years ago. I testified to my reasons why I have returned. I stood in front of friends, family, and the faithful and proclaimed my belief in Jesus Christ. I feel surprisingly the same, yet humbled and honored to have professed so much love and trust in front of a room full of people. I hope my story of rebirth helped people grow and get closer to the light I have strived to connect with my entire life. I truly mean that.

My spiritual quest began as a small child when I was three. My grandfather passed away, and my mother told me that he was in heaven. The questions began. I wanted to know everything. I wanted to feel God's grace in everything. And I did for many years to come. Through thick and thin, up and down, God was there for me. Through physical and sexual abuse, God was there for me. Through the chaos of an alcoholic household, God's grace was in me. I pushed through the cold barrier of a terrible pastor to still connect with God.

But the loss of my dear friend Gregory changed everything. I suddenly hated the God that had been in my life all those years. That same God that shielded me from the will of a sick man and a distant, woman suddenly was out to get me.

It was not God. It was never God. I walked away. I chose to depart from the light of God's grace. I chose to make myself the center of the universe, and by doing that, I thought that all of this pain from Gregory's passing was God raining pain on me alone.

Life exists as a kind of kindergarten. No matter how old our souls are, we are still children; governed by emotions that remain disjointed and too powerful to reign in. We can create such beauty, but we can also destroy with nothing more than a thought.

This is why life has a limit. If we were eternal, we would not learn. We would not clear the way for the next crop of souls to make the journey. We would not sense any urgency and rest on our laurels, as unchanging as barnacles. Life is short, as the saying goes. But, just think of how many mistakes we have made so far. Now imagine just ten of those years. How many mistakes? One year. How many? How about a month, a week, or a day? In one day, we make more mistakes than we can count. So the meaning of life, although not written across the sky, must have something to do with learning. We must be gathering knowledge and processing out the dross to make ourselves wise in the way of things. Then, we pass on, hopefully ready for the next step in things.

I have recoiled from the next phase out of a sense of detachment. I am terrified of being alone in a place that is not familiar. I seriously doubt that life has no meaning and that we evaporate, shut down like a computer, and blink out. So then, I ask, what is next? Eternity? Ugh. Who wants to live forever? But we have to realize this: We are not going to be “Alive”. We will be dead, transformed into the spirit. We will not be tied to the maladies of the physical. Our minds will be clear, devoid of the horribly inefficient brain. We will know no fear, no boredom, no want. It will not be an opiate to more easily wharehouse old souls. There will be construction. It is our purpose. Humans build as much as we destroy. We are not just destructive predators. We are amazing artists, poets, scientists, architects, philosophers, mechanics. We are communal and group-oriented. So I know that I will not be alone, and I will be loved by my fellow souls. In a place without the emotions of fear, doubt, anger, and jealousy, how can there be anything but love?

So I sifted through this decades-long existential crisis with rotating bouts of terror and anger. I numbed myself with chemicals to hide away from God. I hid under the rocks of alcohol, but we all know that the rock cried out no hiding place. There is no escape from the inevitable. Kings have imbued mercury to escape death, but we all end up going there in the end. Today, and maybe just for today, I am not afraid. I am honored to be called home to this wonderful place, this warm house full of love and fellowship.

Today is all there is. The past is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet. Cliches exist for a reason. Overuse means that they are accepted as truthful. I must strive to live just for today and do my Lord's will. I am but a humble servant, not the center of it all. I will fail. Miserably. I will be angry, I will be calloused, I will be jealous, gluttonous; I will be all that I strive not to be. But that's the beauty of it. Christ died so I can afford the mistakes. I can make errors without the end of all that I am. I can move through a charmed existence and through the years of my life I can bathe in the light of God's grace. It's free, there for the taking, and oh so wonderful.

I am home. Finally. I have wandered through the wilderness for too long. I am so tired, so worn out, and so very much in need of a respite. I have this respite in Christ. At last, I am free. Thank you for your time and I hope this helped you with your faith. I mean this sincerely: As I try to better myself, I do it not so much for me, I do it so I can help others. This doesn’t' make me a great person or a holy man. This only makes me what I always should have been. I am a human soul that is here to help my brethren achieve the grace that I feel in God's eternal glory.

-sean