lists

top 10 drivers that suck
1. the guy reading the paper while steering poorly
2. make-up monster
3. the cellphone mom reversing out of a parking space
4. the overcompensation asshole in the tinted ricer humping your bumper
5. the frozen, deer-in-headlights dipshit that has the right-of-way but stays put
6. the swerving teen-ager that thinks its badass to drive with his knees
7. the rage machine with NRA stickers that gives everyone the finger
8. the fuck-head tourist that drives two miles an hour and turns without a signal
9. the goat-raping taxi driver that actually swerves AT you on the cross-walk
10. the 10,000 year-old blue-hair doing 20 mph in the 65 mph zone

top 10 insane foods that should come with parental warnings and why

1. pop rocks-they sizzle in your mouth. WTF!!! they should replace water boarding!
2. energy drinks- liquid crack that grandparents buy before johnny goes home and builds a lego city at 3 AM while playing your old wu-tang albums
3. grape juice- face it, it WILL spill and it WILL stain everything it touches
4. sloppy joes- they have the word "sloppy" in it for a reason
5. liver- kids...don't...like..liver. does anyone really like it? fuck all, gross
6. pizza- they will never want any other food again. ever.
7. tuna salad- it smells like a god-damned land fill and kids smear it everywhere.
8. oscar mayer lunchables-high sodium and fat. may as well drink 20 oz of sea water and eat a stick of butter
9. gogurt- liquidy yogurt. it's like a little plastic pouch of bile
10. any cereal that has a toy in it- that box is destined for carnage. that kid will either eat the entire fucking box in one sitting or carve a path of destruction through the box and bag to get to that plastic piece of shit that was made by Korean slave labor, said slaves probably being your kid's age

top 10 death scenes that were accidentally funny

1. trinity taking ten fucking minutes to croak in the matrix revolutions
2. captain kirk's "Oh, my" death scene on the ten dollar bridge set in star trek Gennerations
3. leo dicraprio's polar bear club sinking in titanic
4. gary oldman getting his head chopped off by winona ryder in dracula. a little excessive, right after their speech about love. fucking awesome...i love you-HACK!!
5. steven segal getting sucked out of a jet plane in executive decision. come on, we all hate that fat prick. it was laugh-out-loud funny!!!!
6. maggie gyllenhal getting blowed up by the joker in dark knight. too melodramatic
7. brad pitt turning into rosemary's baby at the end of Benjamin button
8. did i mention trinity?? seriously, the machines would have spanked the shit out of neo, they had TEN minutes to drop everything on him while he tugged at the rebar sticking out of trinity's gut. and really, rebar? on a futuristic hovercraft? GTFO
9. madonna dying in Evita. i waited through the whole boring-ass movie to finally see what she would look like dead.
10. heath ledger in the patriot. jesus christ on a pogo stick, it was SO obviously going to happen it was sick. i was placing bets on WHEN, not IF. fuck hollywood

top 10 actors that we all know are as nutty as squirrel shit

1. warren beatty
2. nick nolte
3. gary busey
4. john travolta
5. tom cruise
6. katie holmes (see #5)
7. jason mewes
8. rose mcgowen (Marilyn manson said she was too crazy to date)
9. mel gibson
10. charlie sheen

top 10 wtf?? moments in human interaction

1. that creepy guy that hugs you too long
2. the mouth kisser with the cold sore
3. the halitosis breath doctor
4. the hot teacher sitting down while she's talking to you, wearing a v-neck
5. the sixteen-year-old prosti-tot with a crush on you talking about...whatever
6. your hot cousin showing you vacation pics from the beach
7. watching tampon commercials with your mother
8. the clingy co-worker that spills her whole life story AND YOU CAN'T LEAVE!!!
9. the alpha male that's obviously trying to intimidate you, but you know you carry a box cutter on you and his throat is mere inches away at all times
10. the alzheimer's woman in the grocery store that thinks your her father

top 10 reasons that it's cool to be an american

1. freedom to cross state lines without a full body cavity search
2. indoor plumbing that doesn't require a hepatitis shot to use
3. the ability to vote for more than one person.
4. TMZ.com
5. food. anywhere. all the time. bad, fattening, yummy food. and you don't have to fight off a tiger to get it.
6. the right to be as ignorant as fuck and still own a firearm
7. being gay and not get stoned to death on a soccer field built by the UN
8. shopping in an open-air market without having to wear bomb disposal suits
9. having the right to bitch about nothing being on TV when you have 800 channels to choose from.
10. not dying at 30 from working to death in a chemical factory that is pouring mercury into your village well and making your children sick

cartman

DON'T DO DRUGS. ESPECIALLY SALVIA

The thought police

Scientists have invented a very rudimentary way of recording and playing back our thoughts.  for more info:  http://gizmodo.com/5843117/scientists-reconstruct-video-clips-from-brain-activity 

So, how long until we ave people scanning us and watching our innermost secrets unfold before them on an Ipad8?  well, as soon as a wireless mri machine is invented, coupled with a huge archive of images for the mri waves to match up to.  this is a pretty terrifying concept, but t would level the playing field for those of us who try to be truthful in a world of deceit. 

btw, they already did it with cat dreams a while ago. link:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brain%E2%80%93computer_interface.  So, with the right funding and about ten years to perfect it, we can enter a golden age of absolute transparency.  There will be nothing left to hide from each other.  any thoughts (no pun intended) on this?

spread the news

anyone that wants me to link their pages, let me know.  i'll make a list of links so all your cool shit can be seen by all!!!

top tens

top ten overrated actors/actresses

1. Al pacino (all he does is scream.  my dog's bark in my ear waking me up is more endearing)
2. marlon brando (he talks like he's got something in his mouth)
3. robert de niro (he's ALWAYS de niro)
4. demi moore
5. kevin costner
6. tom fucking hanks
7. denzel washington
8. halley berry
9. kathy bates
10. winona ryder

top ten actors/actresses that suck out loud and should be waiting tables and serving me coffee
1. sarah polley (that skank from dawn of the dead)
2. patrick stewart (Fuck captain picard, bald-headed prick!)
3. any baldwin
4. madonna (Did i even have to post this?? she looks like skeletor from he-man)
5. david caruso (he vogues with his sunglasses.  stupid ginger freak, palest man in miami)
6. keanu reeves (dude)
7. tom cruise (he can act okay, but scientology?  really?
8. hillary skank, i mean swank 
9. camilla belle
10. emily procter (wow, another csi miami actor!)


top ten things to avoid saying while holding a newborn
1.  my god, it looks like me!
2. yum
3. i recently had swine flu
4. i was your mommy's first
5. it puts the lotion in the basket (had to)
6. let me tell you all about how to sew fake nikes
7. i think i ran over one of these once with my buick
8.  team jacob gets this one
9.  wanna go for a hike in west memphis? (too soon??)
10. eew, you came out the hole i go in?

top ten things i like to do while you sleep
1.  watch you sleep in nightvision green
2. rid the town of evil
3. rearrange your kitchen cabinets
4. burn a bag of dogshit on your porch and ring your doorbell
5.  snore
6.  stalk scarlett johannson
7. pick my scabs and make my dog eat it
8. copy your credit card information and sell it to a russian mob guy
9.  worry about david letterman's fatwa
10.  ignore you because my shit is WAY more important

top ten reasons why i am tired all the time
1.  i am actually batman
2.  i am frequently abducted by aliens
3.  i'm fat, i smoke, and i don't exercise
4.  i am on medication to keep me from going bug-fuck crazy and kill you all
5.  i HATE sunlight
6.  i write stupid blog posts instead of sleeping
7.  just make something up
8.  i stalk scarlett johannson
9.  i make home-made gun silencers.  email me if u want one
10.  my dogs sleep in bed w me and they fart and kick me constantly

noetic science

http://www.noetic.org/about/what-are-noetic-sciences/

is there more to life than what we see?  i have had experiences in my life that have shattered my conventional view of the world around me.  i try to approach things in a rational way, but there is just too much out there to be explined by pure reason.  i have shared dreams with friends.  i have described places in detail before i have visited them.  i have seen a ghost.  i have finished people's sentences before they spoke the words.  many more strange things have happened to me.  so, what do you think?  is there more to us, to the universe? 

OLD BUT GOOD

THE ALPHA PROJECT HAS BEGUN

i am starting a blog.  this is the first post since the days before mark zuckerberg flipped myspace over and gave it prison sex. i will be offensive.  this is my blog.  i will be funny.  this is my blog.  i will stir the pot, make you think, make you cry.  i will be vulnerable and honest.  i am not one for having to constantly watch what i say, like i do on mark zuckerberg's Frankenstein creation called facebook.  this will be my world.  i will write bad poetry if i want to.  i will quote lyrics, make top ten lists, post about shit i think is cool.  i will post like hell for a while then forget to for a month.  this place is not about you.  it's about me needing to vent. 


"Where we're going we won't need eyes to see"- Event Horizon

"God forgive me for what I've unleashed"-Evil Dead 2



-s