lists

top 10 drivers that suck
1. the guy reading the paper while steering poorly
2. make-up monster
3. the cellphone mom reversing out of a parking space
4. the overcompensation asshole in the tinted ricer humping your bumper
5. the frozen, deer-in-headlights dipshit that has the right-of-way but stays put
6. the swerving teen-ager that thinks its badass to drive with his knees
7. the rage machine with NRA stickers that gives everyone the finger
8. the fuck-head tourist that drives two miles an hour and turns without a signal
9. the goat-raping taxi driver that actually swerves AT you on the cross-walk
10. the 10,000 year-old blue-hair doing 20 mph in the 65 mph zone

top 10 insane foods that should come with parental warnings and why

1. pop rocks-they sizzle in your mouth. WTF!!! they should replace water boarding!
2. energy drinks- liquid crack that grandparents buy before johnny goes home and builds a lego city at 3 AM while playing your old wu-tang albums
3. grape juice- face it, it WILL spill and it WILL stain everything it touches
4. sloppy joes- they have the word "sloppy" in it for a reason
5. liver- kids...don't...like..liver. does anyone really like it? fuck all, gross
6. pizza- they will never want any other food again. ever.
7. tuna salad- it smells like a god-damned land fill and kids smear it everywhere.
8. oscar mayer lunchables-high sodium and fat. may as well drink 20 oz of sea water and eat a stick of butter
9. gogurt- liquidy yogurt. it's like a little plastic pouch of bile
10. any cereal that has a toy in it- that box is destined for carnage. that kid will either eat the entire fucking box in one sitting or carve a path of destruction through the box and bag to get to that plastic piece of shit that was made by Korean slave labor, said slaves probably being your kid's age

top 10 death scenes that were accidentally funny

1. trinity taking ten fucking minutes to croak in the matrix revolutions
2. captain kirk's "Oh, my" death scene on the ten dollar bridge set in star trek Gennerations
3. leo dicraprio's polar bear club sinking in titanic
4. gary oldman getting his head chopped off by winona ryder in dracula. a little excessive, right after their speech about love. fucking awesome...i love you-HACK!!
5. steven segal getting sucked out of a jet plane in executive decision. come on, we all hate that fat prick. it was laugh-out-loud funny!!!!
6. maggie gyllenhal getting blowed up by the joker in dark knight. too melodramatic
7. brad pitt turning into rosemary's baby at the end of Benjamin button
8. did i mention trinity?? seriously, the machines would have spanked the shit out of neo, they had TEN minutes to drop everything on him while he tugged at the rebar sticking out of trinity's gut. and really, rebar? on a futuristic hovercraft? GTFO
9. madonna dying in Evita. i waited through the whole boring-ass movie to finally see what she would look like dead.
10. heath ledger in the patriot. jesus christ on a pogo stick, it was SO obviously going to happen it was sick. i was placing bets on WHEN, not IF. fuck hollywood

top 10 actors that we all know are as nutty as squirrel shit

1. warren beatty
2. nick nolte
3. gary busey
4. john travolta
5. tom cruise
6. katie holmes (see #5)
7. jason mewes
8. rose mcgowen (Marilyn manson said she was too crazy to date)
9. mel gibson
10. charlie sheen

top 10 wtf?? moments in human interaction

1. that creepy guy that hugs you too long
2. the mouth kisser with the cold sore
3. the halitosis breath doctor
4. the hot teacher sitting down while she's talking to you, wearing a v-neck
5. the sixteen-year-old prosti-tot with a crush on you talking about...whatever
6. your hot cousin showing you vacation pics from the beach
7. watching tampon commercials with your mother
8. the clingy co-worker that spills her whole life story AND YOU CAN'T LEAVE!!!
9. the alpha male that's obviously trying to intimidate you, but you know you carry a box cutter on you and his throat is mere inches away at all times
10. the alzheimer's woman in the grocery store that thinks your her father

top 10 reasons that it's cool to be an american

1. freedom to cross state lines without a full body cavity search
2. indoor plumbing that doesn't require a hepatitis shot to use
3. the ability to vote for more than one person.
4. TMZ.com
5. food. anywhere. all the time. bad, fattening, yummy food. and you don't have to fight off a tiger to get it.
6. the right to be as ignorant as fuck and still own a firearm
7. being gay and not get stoned to death on a soccer field built by the UN
8. shopping in an open-air market without having to wear bomb disposal suits
9. having the right to bitch about nothing being on TV when you have 800 channels to choose from.
10. not dying at 30 from working to death in a chemical factory that is pouring mercury into your village well and making your children sick